WHO IS HE?
 

HICCUP!
Okay, so, if you are unfamiliar with who I am or what it is I'm all about, then let me start off by saying that I love to drink. Furthermore....wait, there IS no furthermore. That's about it. I am a drinker. I don't drink to forget or drink to feel better or any shit like that. When you hear of some old pathetic drunk saying he drinks to drown his sorrows or whatever the hell he's shoveling in your face at the moment, he's full of shit. He's just trying to make you feel sorrow for him and buy him a drink. I'm not like that. I don't want your sympathy or pity, I just want your wallet. And make sure there's money in it too; and no Canadian money this time, schmuck!

So, I like to drink so what? Is that such a bad thing? I mean if I drink all the time and end up being drunk, incoherent and/or violent, and then go out and ruin a storefront or some shit like that, who does that harm? It's a victimless crime; like murder. And who needs a liver anyway? Have you ever seen what a liver looks like? YUCK! What would you rather have in your glass, some gin or a big folded up and squished-in liver? See! You'd choose the gin, eh? So, I'm no more abnormal than you. (Considering all the kinky shit I've heard about you, that's pretty damn abnormal, eh?) And how else can you wake up in a strange apartment with a slightly repulsive chick who needs a shave and a dental appointment?

Anyways, I drink often. My favorite is gin. Gin with tonic, gin with juice, gin with Nestle Quick, gin with a jar of Fluff, gin with mayonnaise on whole wheat, gin with potatoes and gravy, gin with two all beef patties special sauce lettuce cheese pickles onions on a sesame seed bun, anything, really. It's good stuff. I recommend it over most other beverages. It's the most healthful drink too. Most doctors will tell you that gin is healthy. Most doctors in Mexico. (I still remember Dr. Gonzales telling me, "Senior Goonan, tu pee-pee es mucho pequeno, and dat rash-o is perfectly normal-o." Didn't know I spoke spanish, eh?)

People say that drinking excessively leads to deviant behavior, but that's a complete falsehood. Drinking stops me from doing things that I would normally be very upset and ashamed of; like seeking steady employment and loving another human being. Of course, after reading that you may try to say that I'm afraid to give myself to someone; but how can you say that when you already know that I was in a strange apartment with a chick who needed a Gillette and a papshmere?

Where would I be without alcohol, really? I tell ya where; I'd be in some nice apartment house relaxing with my loved ones and enjoying a well-earned meal with a family of my own. Thank god for gin! I'd hate that! I'd much prefer grabbing cheez-doddle shavings from the bottom of the bag while standing over my sink trying to remember if I changed my underwear today, and giving the middle finger to a mosquito that keeps flying around my face. Hope he gets cancer of the wing. (And see! I DON'T drink alone like alcoholics do; I have that goddamn mosquito.)

When all is said and done and the world explodes, who is gonna care that I drank myself to an early death? And what is an early death anyway? Who are we to try to divine when and how a person is suppose to die? Isn't that really a blasphemous thing to do; and if you're an atheist, isn't it STILL a fucking cunty thing to do? Suppose I quit drinking and then the next day I get hit by a bread truck and crushed to death? Or worse, I become a paraplegic? I'm wasting away in some chair like a goddamn movable exhibit, I have to shit into a bag and the only thing I can do for fun is blink. I have a mean nurse taking care of me who smacks me when no ones around, just because she knows I cant hit back, and waves her breasts in my face just because she knows that my dick is dead too (which ain't that different from it's current status). That's the type of life I should have? Screw that, I'm drinking. I'm not gonna go through life miserable, wondering every goddamn minute whether I should blast out with a great big bulge of myself or not. Keeping myself hidden and engulfed in paranoia about the world and all it's surroundings. No, I want to live dammit! I want to live! Let me live, for goodness sake, let me live. Let me be full, favored, and free!

I'll drink to that. I'll also drink to this chair over here.

 

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